15 Marriage Game-Changers: Unexpected Lessons from 15 Years Together
15 years ago today, Tara and I said “I do” at the altar of Kalamazoo First Assembly of God in West Michigan. We were both 22 years old, which at that time seemed like the perfect age to get married, though now it feels like we tied the knot before we had really even grown up. People have their negative opinions about getting married young––and I can understand them…it’s easier in some ways to navigate the complexity of being newly married after you’ve had a chance to grow up a bit and get a sense of who you are.
But marrying young also has the unintended consequence, brought about by relational proximity combined with the inevitability of the passing of time, to make you grow up with your spouse. And that’s precisely what we did. We’ve certainly made our mistakes as we grew. But I wouldn’t trade the last fifteen years for anything. As I reflect today, I wanted to share with you 15 rather unconventional takes that I’ve learned along the way.
1.The Language of Silence
We often think about communication in terms of what we say. But what we don’t say can be just as powerful. This includes learning to try to understand before trying to be understood. It also includes learning that you simply just don’t have to articulate every thought that comes to mind. But most of all, there is a deep intimacy that comes in marriage where the two of you can simply be comfortable in each other’s company without filling dead space with words. You know that stereotypical elderly couple that sits in silence in the restaurant? They’re communicating. They just don’t need as many words to communicate as they used to.
2. The Dance of Distance
You need space. Most young married couples want to spend every waking moment together. I get this…to be honest, even after 15 years Tara and I loathe being apart from one another. We simply enjoy each other’s company. But you also need your own interests and hobbies. You need your own TV shows. You need your respective friend groups. The old proverbial phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” really is true. Without a healthy dose of what psychologists call a “differentiation of self”––what the rest of us call a sense of individuality––you will likely be prone to get 5 or 6 years into marriage and wonder “I don’t even really know who I am anymore.” Life is about a rhythm of withdrawal and engagement. The same is true in your closest relationships. Times apart make for better times together.
3. Let the Sun go Down on Your Anger
Growing up in church one of the pieces of advice we frequently heard was that we shouldn’t “let the sun go down on your anger,” calling to mind Paul’s words to the Ephesians (4:26-27). This would further be reduced down to the simple piece of fortune cookie advice, “don’t go to bed angry.” So, early on in our marriage we didn’t. On more than one occasion we would circle the wagons on a silly argument until we were so exhausted we couldn’t remember what we were even arguing about.
The problem is that 1) Paul’s words are proverbial in nature…meaning it’s general advice not a narrow prescription and 2) those words are themselves a riff from Psalm 4:4, which actually implies the exact opposite of how we applied this advice years ago. The Psalmist––as well as Paul––argues that we shouldn’t allow anger to persist in us but rather give it up and have a good night’s sleep, returning to the issue freshly in the morning.
I once heard a church leader years ago talk about their 8/24 rule. If they were offended or upset about something they’d give at least 8 hours to process that offense emotionally, often taking the night to sleep on it. So much of what we get angry about evaporates with some shut eye. But, if he still felt offended or angry, he resolved to confront within 24 hours, not giving way for avoidance or bitterness to rear their ugly heads. I think that’s good advice.
4. The Unpredictability Principle
Life is full of unpredictable circumstances, both good and bad. If you’re like me, I much prefer the predictable over the unforeseen. But life just doesn’t always work that way. Embracing unpredictability and being a force of stability amidst unpredictability can add both joy and adventure to life. Tara’s much better at this than I am. So I’ve learned (and am still learning) to defer more to her penchant for adventure.
5. The Echoes of the Past
When two people marry, they bring two sets of luggage––the stuff they pack all their belongings in to move in together, and then the invisible set of baggage that they pack all of their cultural assumptions, family expectations, gender role assumptions, etc. As I note in my new book Your Daughters Shall Prophesy, Tara and I both came from homes that were theologically egalitarian, and even very culturally similar (our AncestryDNA results read like a map of the Viking raids across northern Europe), and yet we still had differing expectations of who would do what around the house, around the yard, and how to support one another. I highly recommend exploring things like Family Systems Theory and relationship triangulation with a qualified to help unpack some of those expectations about which you may not be consciously aware.
6. The Unscripted Play of Parenthood
Kids are amazing. I love our girls. But parenting no matter how many parenting books, classes, Facebook groups, etc., you consult (and consult you should!) it will always be the Wild Wild West. Each child is different and requires a unique parenting approach, which is difficult on its own. But what’s more, you each are different as parents––not only between each other (Tara and I have slightly different parenting styles), but you are different from yourself with each kid. I parent my youngest at the age of six differently than when my oldest was six––in part because they’re different people, but also because I am different than I was six years ago. Still having children that are relatively young, I don’t feel like I’m in a position to be handing out parenting advice. However, if I were to summarize my parenting advice it would be: chill and encourage. Don’t be so uptight. Your second grader doesn’t need to do perfect in school––a plethora of studies point to the social development of a child matters more than doing their homework perfectly at that age anyway. You’re not a bad parent because you let the PBS Kids app babysit your kid every so often. Your kid ate wood chips on the playground when they were two years old––it’s not going to kill them to have ice cream on a random Tuesday after dinner. Be present. 90% of parenting is just showing up.
7. The Pairing of Different Tastes
Your preferences are likely different. That diversity can be a point of tension or it can be a beautiful tapestry that you weave together. Tara and I had very different images of how a home should look when we first got married. I want everything to look like an English cottage and she wanted everything to look Scandinavian minimalistic. Over time, those two differing tastes brought about a unique approach to how we decorate our home that works beautifully, not in spite of our differences, but because of them. Apply that metaphor liberally.
8. Balance is Garbage
That’s right. I said it. Everyone loves to talk about finding balance in life.
But how’s that working out?
Balance is a fool’s errand. It’s the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that can never be found. Just when you think you have it, life throws a curveball and you’re back at it––trying to find balance.
Instead of balance, focus instead on rhythm. Establishing healthy rhythms that ebb and flow with changes in your marriage dynamic, times of abundance and times of hardship, family stresses, parenting stresses, job issues, etc., etc. Healthy life rhythms are the way to go. For more on establishing healthy rhythms check out Ken Shigematsu’s God in my Everything.
9. The Gift of the Ordinary
We love the extraordinary. We love that adrenaline rush of jumping out of a helicopter. We love when Sunday church isn’t just "good” but was “THE BEST SERVICE EVERRRRRRR LET’S GO [fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji]!” As a Pentecostal, our tribe is especially guilty of this. When you’ve witnessed first hand God heal a blind or deaf person, it’s easy to overlook the Spirit moving in the budding of a flower or the bird that perches on your back porch every morning. But the same God that raises the dead, causes the flowers to bloom. And he is actively working in both the extraordinary as well as the ordinary.
The ordinary is a gift. You don’t need to have a Tuscan getaway to appreciate the beauty of the normal, every day moments. I’ve never personally been one with a penchant for jumping out of helicopters, but I have found so much beauty in simply appreciating simple things with Tara, like chopping vegetables, sitting and drinking coffee in the morning, or going on a walk and holding hands. The ordinary is where it’s at.
10. The Beauty of Mutual Submission
Christians often talk about men being the “spiritual head of the home” (in Your Daughters Shall Prophesy, I talk about why this is an unbiblical view) but in reality, the best marriages I know of––and when our marriage has flourished best––is when we operate in mutual submission to one another. There is no “tie breaker rule.” There is no one person who reserves the right to put his or her foot down. It’s not always easy, but it is beautiful when two people can cultivate a marriage that functions in covenantal unity when making tough decisions, rather than reverting to unbiblical hierarchy.
11. The Strength in Vulnerability
In the way of the kingdom of God, vulnerability is a virtue. There is strength in weakness. There is gentleness in true power. Allowing your spouse to see your weaknesses and your vulnerable moments is a sign of intimacy, not a recipe for whatever our macho egos tell us as justification for hiding our feelings.
12. The Unexpected Teachers
I’m a big fan of books––especially when those books are written by qualified people in their field who have something substantive to say. But not everything insightful in your marriage is going to come from books (though much of it should!). Often some of the most insightful lessons you’ll learn come from the unexpected places where wisdom is caught rather than explicitly taught. That can be learning from an older couple in your life. It may even be learning from one another or from your children (yes, I said it!). Learning is a multi-directional activity that takes places when we are aware of the potential to learn from even the most unexpected sources.
13. The Evolution of Love Languages
Regardless of your opinions about the exhaustiveness of Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, it is worth pointing out that you and your spouses personality––and with it, how you interpret and express love, will change over time. This is often as a result of heartbreaking experiences or other seismic shifts in our worldview brought about by significant events. But how I communicate love is different now than it was 15 years ago, as is Tara’s. Not all of that is because of external circumstances. Some of it has come as a result of our personalities rubbing off on one another over time.
14. The Never-Ending Dance of Discovery
In Your Daughters Shall Prophesy I talk about how one of the chief distinguishing features of womanhood is its complexity and mystery. I have observed, in Tara most of all, that women are infinitely complex––a characteristic of womanhood that I believe bears the fingerprints of our infinitely complex and mysterious Creator.
While I’m not sure men are always as complex (though certainly there may be exceptions—I’m just not among them), the feminine complexity that is added to a marriage adds a spice to life. Just a couple days ago, I was talking with Tara about a conversation we had leading up to us deciding to date and she shared a perspective that I never expected––over a conversation we have been having for over 16 years. That’s a beautiful thing. Sometimes men feel frustrated that they cannot “figure out” their wives. But I don’t think that’s the necessary task at hand. Instead, we need to focus on knowing her in the moment, paying careful attention to who God has made her to be.
15. Men find security in their masculinity through empowering women
In some corners of American Christianity there is a fear of the “feminization of the church” (never mind that we’ve historically referred to the Church as “our mother” for about 1,800 years) and a need to reclaim the masculine ethos of Christianity. Somehow the way to reclaim that has been through men’s conferences, collectives, resources, etc., aimed at discipling men into mid-twentieth century norms of American machismo. The way to recover our masculinity is diluted down to wearing camouflage and giving engrained swords to each other and growing out our beards and blowing stuff up—to the glory of God.
But real masculine strength, especially in a marriage, but also in the church more broadly, is not found in cliché reenactments of stereotypes. You won’t find your man card under the bleachers at a race car event or under a 10oz porterhouse still mooing (because only the manliest among us eat our steaks rare).
Instead, masculine strength comes from a gentle power that doesn’t need to assert itself but views stewarding power for the benefit of others as its goal––especially as it pertains to empowering our wives to fulfill the call that God has on them. That’s real biblical manhood.
